Yiming Zhang has said that a startup founder is building two good products: one for users and one for employees, the company itself.

Empathy is a core ability in product building, and it matters enormously for both of these products. I have always believed that, for most people, an intimate relationship is the most effective way to develop empathy. It takes empathy to truly understand the difference between loving yourself and loving another person.

That is why startups, especially in their internal workings, have something in common with intimate relationships.

I once discussed with a friend why love fades in an intimate relationship. My answer was:

  1. We lack the ability to love the other person. As time passes, especially once conflict arises, we gradually discover that the person we love is ourselves.
  2. Our values have changed. We no longer love what we once did.

The development of trust between a company and its employees is much like an intimate relationship. People are drawn in by certain visible qualities, perhaps the company's vision or the founder's personal charisma. Once inside, however, they gradually encounter many difficulties and conflicts they had not anticipated.

The “love” between a company and its employees can fade for the same reasons:

  1. The company and its employees do not understand one another. They lack empathy and channels of communication.
  2. The values of the company or the employee have changed, and they no longer need each other.

How can we address these two problems?

For the first, empathy requires us to “truly listen, truly see, and truly feel.” Adults are perceptive when it comes to sincerity. It is easy to spot an actor on screen who is merely acting, and going through the motions will not fool anyone. As for communication, the key is to communicate across every level, rather than only with your direct reports. To me, that is the heart of founder mode.

The second problem is more complicated. As in intimate relationships, there will always be times when people discover they are not right for one another and break up, or even divorce. When their actual needs no longer match, an amicable separation is the best option. But how can we avoid bringing together two people who were never a good match in the first place? I think the answer is to understand ourselves honestly and think about what we want for our future.

Can we find an answer to that question, though? There are two possible responses:

  1. I cannot know what I will want five or ten years from now. As with a transformer, those next five or ten years will themselves be important context.
  2. Many companies talk about mission, vision, and values from day one, just as many people can readily list the qualities they want in a partner: this, that, and the other. But is that a System 2 answer? Most people will do almost anything to avoid thinking deeply. That is why values that are vague today only gradually become clear in the future. A company is a reflection of its founder, and by around thirty, substantial parts of our outlook on life, the world, and our values are already quite stable. So whether we are talking about a company or an employee, it is possible, deep down, to know what we want.

Finally, there is the question of growth over time. A company and its employees need to grow together, as do partners. We can approach the other person with a growth mindset and accompany them as they develop. Yet although we can influence one another, we cannot completely control one another. Some therefore prefer to assess the other person as they are today, finding that more dependable, particularly amid the intense competitive pressures of a startup. Both approaches have their reasons.

At the very least, whether as a founder, an employee, or a partner in an intimate relationship, we should put growth first. Even if the relationship eventually breaks down, a better version of you can attract better new partners.

THE "ROPE," ALONG WITH THE "STICK," ARE TWO OF MANKIND'S OLDEST TOOLS.
THE STICK TO KEEP THE BAD AWAY, THE ROPE USED TO BRING THE GOOD TOWARD US.
THEY WERE OUR FIRST FRIENDS, OF OUR OWN INVENTION.
WHEREVER THERE WERE PEOPLE, THERE WERE THE ROPE AND THE STICK.

- FROM KOBO ABE'S "NAWA"

I hope there will be more ropes in this world.